Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
