My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
