I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
