My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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