so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
