I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
