I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
They have beer where we have blood.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
