so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
