I am spending my child support on dildos
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
