the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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