I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
