my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
