You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
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He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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