Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
