Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
