It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
