eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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