i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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