I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
