We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
