just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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