Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
