So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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