I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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