the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
