He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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