I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
