I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
