Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
