Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize