Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night