You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
