I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
