I heard we made out
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
