I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i just had sex bonerless
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
