I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
