I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
