its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
