Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
