How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
