Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
