im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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