Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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