Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
