i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
