OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
