Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize