i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.