you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
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You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.