Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight