I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...