I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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