I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you never un-have a 4some
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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