I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
